Last week Kailin talked to me about self-awareness. Actually he has always mentioned this to me but I did not know that my self-awareness is so little to the extent to be that little. He said something about what do u really want in your life? I replied:"Hmmm, I like to write songs." He replied something like not in that way but something like happiness or freedom or peaceful.
Now to think of it I really don't know what I want. Like seriously… No clue and no idea. If you ask me what is happiness, I will reply hmmm writing songs and keep things simple. But if you ask me what do I want? Is happiness a want for me? I really cannot reply to that. It is so confusing, I want to be not happy or sad. The best feeling that I want would be not to feel anything. I find that having mood swing and drastic emotional changes are very terrifying. Once I have this sudden change of emotional, I can feel that I am not within control and I seriously dislike it. When I am too high and happy, due to social influences I may hold on to that, but after that I would like to go quiet. When I am too unhappy and upset, I will keep smiling to keep myself balanced and checked. When I go berserk, oh my god… I seriously hate it. Once I go angry and crazy, I will feel super terrible.
Happiness? Freedom? Peace? Not when I have a time bomb beside me. I have to check the meter to prevent explosion every time. Maybe survival is the key to everything before I can really think what I really want in my life.
I seriously can't answer to that.