Monday, March 12, 2012

Walking Out of My Depressing State

Writing songs... Being emo is actually essential in my opinion. I admit that I used to be super emo, I mistrust people to the max and I hated those people who had hurt me in the past. Until today, though I have learned to trust people and erased H-A-T-E from my brain, I am still very cautious with handling people around me because I am scared. I felt this part of me very useless.

I started writing songs just because of the fun of it and I actually forget about it. I kept remembering that I started to write songs because I had no outlet for my negative emotions and song writing is my only hope. I thought I could not survive and writing songs saved me. The first few songs that I wrote sounds like a children song until the day I became very unhappy that I could not smile anymore.

That was also the period of time when people around me said that my songs are not that bad at all. As time started to pass, it became that I was an emo person so I wrote songs. People tend to like sad songs and I wonder why, I have saved lots of Korean songs in my Iphone as they do not sound as depressing as Chinese songs. 

A lot of people around me wanted to instill positivity in me, but it seemed like their advices bounced back to them right in their face and I did not notice. Out of these people, there are 2 person who put in lots of effort to "save" me and they are my mum and violin teacher. I did not know that my replies from a word improve to a sentence and to 10 sentences would make my violin teacher felt relieved. I did not know that from the day that I did not smile till the day I smiled to him and laughed at the words he said made him shocked. I did not know that he was glad when I shared about the things that I do with him.

My mum is my mum so she cares for me, sometimes I also asked myself why did my teacher helped me so much. I realized that is because he wanted to see me improve I guess. But really, out of all the teachers I have met he is a very very caring teacher and I doubt that any teacher will treat you this nice.

There was once when my violin teacher prepared a concert for his students and asked some of his students to perform. I was studying Secondary 3 then. I remembered that as usual I went for my violin classes and had zero confidence in myself that I could not play a violin. It was that bad. Then he suggested that I should go on stage to play the violin, I guess he did not know that I was in the concert band and I had stage experiences. But I could blow a clarinet in school because I had my friends with me but to go to a violin concert with nobody I knew was so terrifying, especially going up to perform something that I was so lousy at.

Before I opened my mouth he said "Ok! You will go ahead and perform." and I was like WHAT?! So I went ahead to practice with 11 other people. When I looked at all those people who was younger than me played far more better than me, my confidence dropped from zero to negative.

Few days later, I called my teacher telling him that I would give up playing violin. I could not clearly remember what he had said, the topic was mainly I should carry on learning. Now it sounded like I am from the strawberry group. From the conversation, I still can remember he said: “子佳,这是我第一次听到你跟我说那么多话,很好!我要你继续拉琴,你继续拉的话如果将来找不到工作你还可以教人拉琴,找口饭吃。你这个人就是要有人来逼你,我现在逼你拉琴你将来一定会感谢我的。” I was dizzy after hearing that and felt that tremendous stress. After the concert ended, I also did not appreciate what he has did. I just did not understand him.

A few years had passed and I went to poly. Initially I did not want to join CCA because I want to relax and enjoy life. But after thinking it through, yes I should not disappoint him so I went to join the strings ensemble. I met 2 close friends of mine there and we 3 were very close then. Now I seriously don't know. We started talking about my teacher and I was wavering whether I should introduce them to my teacher and let them learn from him. My character change a lot when I was in sec to poly, if I introduce them to my teacher, they would know the side of me that they never know.

Our friendship became very stable and close so I say ok I would bring them to see my teacher. Very childish... Ya why did I think that way? Seriously... The first ever day I brought my friends to my teacher he was so happy that I have friends. I was like huh? What is there to be happy about? So it just came out that both of them was accepted as his students. One of them called Anita is still learning from him and she seems to be liking my teacher a lot.

In the end, I left the CCA after the concert. I felt that my mission has accomplished and I was unhappy there. My ultimate mission when I enter poly is to become a happy person. Oh no... it seemed that from the day the unhappiness circulating at the CCA extended to my classroom made me an unhappy person again.

After I graduate from poly, I realized that no matter where you are or how unhappy the people around you, don't let them affect you. I also realized that when I help others too much, I was hoping someone to help me in return and ended up nobody help me. This caused a great disappointment. To reduce this disappointment, now before I lend my helping hand I would tell myself: "I am doing a charity and I cannot expect anything in return. If I still feel uncomfortable, I would not help no matter how much I want to." I always have the tendency to help people solve their worries as fast as possible without solving mine first and this has to put a stop to it. That is why when people ask me to help them, no matter who, I am having inner conflicts with myself because I have to help them. No don't do that Abigail!

Oh ya back to my teacher! After so many years had passed, I started to appreciate what he has did for me. He is really a very good teacher.

Before I have noticed, I realized that I have written too much for this post. Actually I started off wanting to write about "Depressing people should not think that because I write songs so I am depressing." That is so so wrong! Have you ever think that if you are a depressing person, won't the people around you will get affected by your disease? Even though I don't mind making friends with depressing people but if I mix with them for too long I would get spread by them. I have been trying so hard to stand on my feet and reach my ultimate goal which is "Be a happy person", so I do not want to get push back to the starting point.

When I am depressed, yes I write songs. But after the period of time I finish writing, I tell myself to let it go. The same actually goes to twitter, sometimes I write emo things but after writing I revived myself. But one of my friend I find her very funny is that she would ask me how am I and she was worried about me. I told her nothing but she kept asking. Don't worry nothing is really nothing.

I would just conclude here! Bye!